Its funny how I can be in a huge group of people and feel more alone than I ever have before. Even in a small group of Christian, loving accepting girls I can feel so incredibly alone. Its weird. Like I feel that I can never share more than a one sentence opinion because I think they don't want to listen to me for any longer. And on the inside I am dying because I would love to share my heart completely and totally on every topic that comes up, especially ones that I have thought a lot about before and ones I have strong beliefs about. Its really hard to keep my mouth shut. I also refrain because I know a lot of people do not understand one bit why I believe what I believe or my choices to live how I live. 

    Tonight I shared how I would love to live in the inner city and just GIVE all the time and always trust God for everything and they all looked at me doubtfully and my leader said I would need some money for rent and food and stuff and I tried to explain myself better but it didn't come out right. I was trying to say that I wouldn't mind hard times where I had to trust God for absolutely everything but I am ok with having a small salary or being supported or something. Even now I can't explain it right. But anyways I felt alone in my dream. And when she asked a different question I didn't answer until another girl shared her answer which was similar to mine so I felt safer. 

    I have been thinking a lot lately about how my shyness is actually selfishness because I am so afraid of what people think of me that I kind of shun everybody except my close friends or people who I am really comfortable with. But even those people, I don't talk to when there are other people in the group because I just clam up and push people away. It is so weird! Especially since my number one goal is to show unconditional love to everyone! I am so hypocritical. I think I shut people out just because if I actually open my life to them, I let down my guard which makes me extremely self-concious. Its also pride. But as my Bible teacher said, it is so much better to be a person who walks in the room looking for needs to meet. I know that way of life would be so much more fulfilling. And I know that when I unconditionally love other people, they will automatically be attracted to that. 

    I have this friend who loves everyone.Even the meanest kid in school. I told her today that I really admired her for loving someone I consider to be extremely hard to love and she said "I really do love him!" and I believe her. And what is really cool is that everyone, including this kid who I thought didn't have a loving bone is his body, loves her back. She knows almost everyone and she has friends from every group. Its really cool. I really admire her. I hope to love people even a fraction of how she loves people.

    Here is a poem I wrote:

Alone
in my own
little world
the edge of the group
afraid to step off the ledge
into danger
danger of unacceptance
of being rejected
or the danger of being accepted
and loved
the risk so great
what will it take
to make the jump